The Dufresne family of Southwest Louisiana

Somewhere in a conservative parish of Southwest Louisiana, a destitute white boy named Scottie Dufresne goes for a stroll on a rural dirt road near his shack.  He is wearing just denim overalls and no shoes.

Suddenly, a shiny new black Cadillac Escalade pulls up beside him.

The driver’s side window hums down.

A very tan, polished, gentleman in a crisp Maui Jim’s shirt appears.  He looks at Scottie in a queer manner.

“Hey,” the gentleman says, “why don’t you hop in?  I have some important things to tell you”

“Sure,” says Scottie.

Scottie gets into the Escalade and they drive off really fast.

“Scottie,” the gentleman says.  “I know your name is Scottie because the truth of the matter is I am your biological father.  I fucked your mother, Zaza Dufresne, eleven years ago when she was working as a dish washer at the country club I own.  The father, the one who raised you, Gaston Dufresne, doesn’t have a penis and therefore has never pleasured your mother before.  Is this all too much information, by the way?”

“I’m sorry,” says Scottie, “I don’t know what any of this means.”

“Never mind all that,” says Scottie’s supposed dad.  “What I want you to know is that you are my sole heir.  You are my one and only child.  Do you understand that?”

“I think so,” says Scottie.

“Good,” says the gentleman.  “Now, let me drop you off where I picked you up.  You go to your mama, Zaza, and tell her everything I told you.  But make sure your daddy, Gaston, doesn’t hear a word of it.  We don’t want to hurt his feelings, do we?”

“I don’t think so,” says Scottie.

“No we don’t” says the gentleman.

And so Scottie is dropped off and he runs directly to his dilapidated, poor excuse of a shack in the middle of a swamp.

“Mama!” shouts Scottie.  He finds his mother reading “Triggered” by Donald Trump Junior in the kitchen.  “Mama!  I have something to tell you!”

“What is it, darling?” Zaza says.

“This man who owns a golf course says he’s my real pa!  He said he fucked you because pa doesn’t have a penis!  But don’t tell pa because we don’t want to hurt his feelings!”

“Stupid child!” says Zaza.  “Your pa already knows all about this!  He knows you’re not his real son!”

“But how?” Scottie says.

“Because your pa doesn’t have a penis!”

But Scottie still doesn’t know what any of this means because the public school system in his parish does not teach sex education.