Jesus H. Christ audits a retail day trader

A retail day trader named Tony Apicella thought his day couldn’t get any worse when rookie IRS auditor, Jesus H. Christ, shows up at his door to audit his YTD day trades.

“Jesus Christ!” Tony mutters.  “Doesn’t the IRS have something better to do than go after small time traders like me?”

Jesus Christ sets his briefcase on an IKEA dining table that was purchased 20 years ago.  It’s a bit wobbly.  Not because of age, but because Tony didn’t put it together right.

“Let’s get this over with,” Jesus says.  “Let’s start with GameStop.  Why did you buy Gamestop, of all stocks?  Obviously you realize brick and mortar stores are closing shop.  No pun intended.  And I’m not even talking about the pandemic.  This was happening before the pandemic.  And let’s look at their business model.  They resell used games and toys.  Anyone who has any business acumen can see the writing on the wall.  I don’t care how many stores they got in this country.  A lot of stores selling junk is still basically a dumpster.”

Jesus shakes his head disappointingly and opens a file of papers.  He shuffles through them, then rubs his temple.

“So let’s see what you filed on forms 8949 and 1099-B,” Jesus says, reading.  “Hmmmm.  I’m not liking what I see here compared to your brokerage statement.  There’s no escaping capital gains tax, Tony.  Let’s cross-reference your Turbo Tax filings to make sure you filled out the forms correctly.”

Unfortunately, it was at this moment that Jesus noticed Tony had hung himself off of the ceiling fan.

He had used his father’s belt.  The same belt that was used to beat Tony when he was a mere boy.

Using God-like magic, Jesus resuscitates Tony back to life (though he’s still hanging by his neck off the ceiling fan).

Tony clutches the belt and gasps for air.  He swings his legs wildly.

“I told you,” Jesus says, “there’s no escaping capital gains tax.”