Great Expectations

An impoverished little boy named Pip is walking along a London alleyway when a voice beneath the sewers catches his attention.

“Hey, kid!” the voice says.

Pip looks in the sewer and finds an equally impoverished vagrant bonded in chains.

“My name is Abel Magwitch,” Abel Magwitch says. “I need your help. Will you please go to your home and retrieve a cutting instrument so I may be relieved of my bondage.”

Pip is suddenly aware that he is a character in Charles Dickens’ novel, “Great Expectations.” The ending of the novel, which has already been foretold and published with wild success on another plane of existence, says that Abel Magwitch is an escaped convict and will eventually be Pip’s wealthy benefactor later in Pip’s life.

So, of course, Pip offers to help.

“Of course,” Pip says. “I will be right back!”

Pip returns with a steel saw. Abel cuts through his chains and is a free man again.

“Thank you, boy.” Abel says. “Now, can you do me another favor. Will you procure some rations so that I hunger no more?”

Pip finds a meat pie that was cooling on a window sill. He steals it.

Abel devours the entire pie within a minute.

“Thank you, boy.” Abel says. “Now, can you do me another favor? I need a weapon to defend myself. I have many enemies and will not survive if I cannot fight back.”

Pip procures a single-shot musket from an opium dealer in the Chinese district. He gives it to Abel.

“Good boy,” Abel says, loading up the musket. He then fires the musket at Pip, killing the boy instantly.

Aiding and abetting a known criminal is stupid. It is also against the law.