A prolific masturbator attends church service

An unmarried (and very very single) young man named Henry Storch attends a church service at the Resurrection Lutheran Church in San Pedro, California. 

Pastor Lars Swensson Gottlieb greets Henry at the entrance. He then places a heavy hand on Henry’s shoulder.  

He says, “Now, Henry, is there anything you want to tell me today?”

Henry thinks.  He is unsure of where this is going.

“I don’t think so,” says Henry.  “Is there something specific we should talk about?”

“I am ready for any topic that crosses your mind.”

Henry shrugs.  “I’ll let you know if I think of anything.”

Henry enters the church a little awkwardly as Pastor Gottlieb watches with a warm smile.

By now, a congregation of about 50 worshipers are seated in the pews.  They are ready for the day’s sermon.

As Pastor Gottlieb sings a biblical hymn at the pulpit, an old widow sitting in front of Henry turns to him.  Her name is Sonya Hansen and she is horny as hell.

She whispers, “Hello, Henry.” 

“Hello, Ms. Hansen,” Henry whispers back.

“Is there something I can do for you?”  she whispers.  

“Not that I know of,” whispers Henry.

“Is there something you would like to say to me personally?” Ms. Hansen whispers.

“Nope,” whispers Henry.  “I can’t think of anything.”

Pastor Gottlieb suddenly interrupts their little chit chat from the pulpit.

“Henry,” Pastor Gottlieb says for the entire congregation to hear.  “Is there something you would like to share with us?”

“No,” Henry says.  “Nothing.”

“We are all friends here,” says the Pastor.  “We are loving and accepting of any frustrations that may be a burden on to you.”

“I’m fine,” says Henry.

During the Eucharist, a 20 year old foreign exchange student named Lena Winter distributes wafers to each worshipper. 

To many, Lena is very attractive. Some might say a “ten out of ten”.

When it’s Henry’s turn, Lena whispers, “Why didn’t you call me back Friday?”

“I don’t know,” whispers Henry.  “I guess I forgot.”

“How could you forget?” whispers Lena.  She is clearly upset.

Henry makes the sign of the cross as Lena inserts a wafer into his mouth.

“Now, Henry,” the Pastor says stepping forward,  “this is your last chance to confess.  Do you have anything to say at all?”

“I have nothing to say, Pastor.”

“Nothing at all?”

“Nope.”

“Ok,” says the Pastor. “Then let’s all pray.”

After the Benediction, the Congregation disperses.  Everyone, including Henry, returns home alone.