University of Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh wants an authentic New York style pizza

On a beautiful fall afternoon in Ann Arbor, Michigan, football coach Jim Harbaugh desperately wants a New York style.

He call up his problematic assistant, Connor Stalin.

“Connor,” Jim says, “go and get me a New York style pizza. Now listen to me and listen closely: it has to be authentic.”

“Sir?” Asks Connor, puzzled.

“DO IT NOW!” Barks the coach.

Connor immediately leaves campus and picks up a cheese pizza from Little Caesars.

Coach Harbaugh takes a bite out of slice, then spits it out.

“What in the hell is this, you little piece of shit?” He says to Connor Stalin. “Come back with an authentic New York style pizza or else I’ll demote you to Central Michigan!”

Connor leaves campus again, this time picking up a cheese pizza from Joe’s Pizza NYC.

Coach Harbaugh takes a bite out of a slice. He swallows slowly.

“Okay, this is a little bit better,” he says, mouth full. “The crust can be a little crispier and the slice can be less limp. Too much water in the dough, if you ask my opinion. But still not good enough. Go back out there and try again!”

Connor leaves campus for the third time, this time taking a Southwest flight out to LaGuardia Airport.

Destination: New York City.

Connor heads directly to Scarr’s Pizza and orders a cheese pizza. He then promptly returns to Ann Arbor.

Coach Harbaugh takes a bite out of the Scarr’s pizza. He spits it out.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He screams. “This is worse than the last pizza! Get out of here! You’re fired!

Security leads Connor off campus.

Jim Harbaugh plops into a swivel chair, defeated.

“What happened to that kid?” Jim mutters to himself. “He had such a bright future.”