A lascivious carpenter visits a brothel in Baltimore [AntiAnti-Joke]

He picks a prostitute out of a lineup.

The prostitute then leads him up the stairs to a private bedroom.

"I want to rip your clothes off with my teeth", says the carpenter.

"Wait," the prostitute says, "I have something to tell you ."

"What?" asks the carpenter.

"I'm pregnant," she says. "It's yours. Congratulations."

"That's impossible!" says the carpenter. "I haven't even paid you yet!"

"You mean we haven't done the deed yet," the prostitute says.

"Yeah, that's what I meant!" the carpenter says.

"Well, guess what? You haven't had me yet. That's true. But I've already had you. I am from the future and I have traveled back in time to claim child support from you."

"This is bullshit!" the carpenter cries. "You lie, woman!"

"Oh really?" the prostitute says.

"Time travel is impossible! Everyone knows that!"

The prostitute then proceeds to unfold a laptop.

She logs into an online physics curriculum offered by MIT for free.

For the entire night, she teaches the carpenter step by step on how time travel was achieved in the coming months ahead, how humans develop a mutant ability to move their consciousness beyond the constraints of linear time, and that the expanse of time and space have merged into a singularity.

After the lesson, the carpenter flips a cigarette between his teeth. He staggers to the window, bleary eyed, and opens it a crack.

The orange light of dawn floods in. The smells of spicy chorizo and eggs wafts from a food truck across the street.

He lights the cigarette, then checks the digital clock on the night stand.

"Holy shit," he says with dread, "Is that the time? I'm late for work!"

“Dad?” a voice interrupts.

The carpenter sees his malnourished six year old son standing by the doorway.

“What is it, Mikey?” asks the carpenter.

“When is mom coming back?”

The carpenter throws his cigarette at him.

“I told you she ain’t ever coming back!” he says. “Your mother is a whore, Mikey!”

Mikey scrambles off, wailing like a monkey down the hallway.

“It’s about time you accept the truth!” the carpenter yells at him.